My Hair

A while back, I was approached by a woman after I’d given a lecture. She said she liked my lecture and then complimented my hair. “You have great hair,” she said. I didn’t really know what to say so I just smiled and said “thanks.” She walked away, mumbling something about my hair, and that was that.

Obviously, had the tables been turned, I would have been ostracized or censured, and rightly so: objectification is never appropriate, particularly in the setting of a medical conference. Like many others who have had similar experiences, I was speechless in the moment; I literally didn’t know what to say. But now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’ve come up with a few thoughts I’d share with that particular woman:

It is kind of you to compliment me and I am grateful to acknowledge what I think is a harmless subjective observation. In that awkward moment that you chose to create, I wasn’t sure what your intent was but I am inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt.

But turn the tables for a moment and realize that if I did the same, you might not just feel awkward and objectified like I did, but you might actually feel threatened or targeted. At the very least, you’d probably feel a bit disconcerted. That would be a bad situation that I would have actively propagated on you.

I’m not one to sing my own praises but after all these years, I can usually tell when I am doing a good job of connecting with an audience. The lecture before we met was a good day for me. Your comment about my hair didn’t exactly ruin the good feelings that I had (and that I felt worthy of, since I had worked hard in preparation) but it did diminish it. Why would someone comment on my hair after I had given a pretty good lecture? Why do I bother to do this if the audience is staring at my hair? 

Finally, regardless of gender, I would not respond well to someone criticizing my comments here. Someone might be inclined to think that I’m being oversensitive or overdramatic, or I’ve got an axe to grind, etc. But that sentiment is at the root of the problem: if someone has feelings and expresses them, they are labelled as oversensitive, or a snowflake, (or a millennial). I sometimes feel that cancel culture is exhausting, but that dismissive sentiment is what got us here in the first place.

You don’t have to agree with me, but you should at least listen to me. You don’t have to apologize, but you should at least change your behavior. I hope you liked my lecture more than my hair.